Have you heard of ordinal-linguistic personification (OLP), a form of synesthesia that results in people associating numbers, letters, or months with different personalities? People with OLP will say things like “9 is self-centred, maniacal, and selfish” or “Ts are generally crabby, ungenerous creatures”, or even “February is an introverted female”. Well, what if pizzas also had personalities? And what if we associated those pizza personalities with Canadian celebrities? What if nothing and everything made sense at once? Welcome to the final quarter of 2021. It’s been getting weirder and weirder for the last nine months.

LAWFUL GOOD: Margarita pizza

Keanu Reeves

Keanu seems like a genuine, good-hearted and gracious person. Dubbed the “respectful king” on the internet, Reeves is famously generous. He’s known for going out of his way to sign autographs and reportedly runs a secret charity for sick kids. Likewise, it doesn’t get more lawfully good than margarita pizza. Does it break the mold? Perhaps not. But are you grateful for its existence? Absolutely.

NEUTRAL GOOD: Pepperoni pizza

Dan & Eugene Levy

Schitt’s Creek is reliably wholesome. Pair it with a pepperoni pizza – whether store-bought, home-delivered, or gussied up by your inner chef – and you’ve got an unfailing mood booster. And just like pepperoni pizza is the baseline slice in most people’s minds, the Levy family is now the ultimate symbol of Canadian niceness; in other words, neutral good.

Taylor Kitsch 

Anyone who’s seen Friday Night Lights would oppose the categorization of Taylor Kitsch aka Timothy “Tim” Riggins as “neutral”, because um, hello? Have you ever been more attracted to an adult pretending to be a teenager pretending to be a bad boy? Still, he’s not quite lawful, not quite chaotic, and looking into his smouldering eyes remains as irresistible as wolfing down a whole damn pepperoni pizza all by yourself.

CHAOTIC GOOD: Lobster Pizza

Sandra Oh

In this house, we worship Sandra Oh, and we have never forgotten the words of Cristina Yang, her iconic character on Grey’s Anatomy. I’m just gonna come right out and say it: Lobster pizza is my favourite, Sandra Oh is the best, chaotic good is the ultimate way to be, and that’s why she’s in this category. This is my game and I make the rules.

Céline Dion

Only the best for our homegrown diva, who has earned the right to enjoy whatever she likes, no matter how chaotic. Lobster pizza is an extravagant outlier that can be had at a roadside casse-croûte or a fanciful hot spot. Now, you tell me, who fits that definition better than Céline?

LAWFUL NEUTRAL: Four cheese pizza

Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Michael Cera & Shawn Mendes

To no one’s surprise, more than one Canadian fits this category. This band of good guys are dutiful, gentle, self-effacing, and perfectly represented by four cheese pizza. We’ll let you decide who’s the blue cheese of the gang.

TRUE NEUTRAL: Cheese pizza

Alanis Morissette & Avril Lavigne

Who doesn’t love a good Avril / Alanis throwback? Who would turn down a slice of cheese pizza? Okay, maybe the lactose intolerant… and those allergic to masterful alternative pop tunes. Truly, no self-respecting Canadian doesn’t have a soft spot for these singer-songwriters’ back catalogues, and that naturally places them at the centre of this scientific exercise.

CHAOTIC NEUTRAL: Mac and cheese pizza

Seth Rogen 

The proud pothead-turned-even prouder potter loves to defy expectations. And what can be said about mac and cheese pizza? Sure, it’s messy. Yes, it’s unruly. Directionless? Perhaps. But it’s 2021 and mayhem is the name of the game. So if Seth Rogen wants to deep-dive into the world of ceramics, and if you want to treat yourself to some sinfully wrong but oh-so-right mac and cheese pizza, then so be it. We just want everyone involved to be happy.

The Weeknd

The Toronto superstar has made a career out of excess, regrets, and unhealthy coping mechanisms… and doesn’t that sound uncannily similar to mac and cheese pizza? The Weeknd’s latest era of performances have been pretty chaotic, but through it all, his songs remain guaranteed crowd-pleasers, a.k.a. neutral town.

LAWFUL EVIL: Veggie pizza

Drake

Drake loves to walk the line between good guy and tough guy, which, when you think about it, is just as puzzling as veggie pizza. You just never know what you’re getting! Salad? Emo rap? Junk food? Vengeful R&B? Do they really have your best interests at heart? It’s impossible to tell. Both Drake and veggie pizza are blatant contradictions who continually toy with our minds, but they remain ubiquitous, and that’s what makes them lawfully evil.

Grimes

If we’re gonna talk about bewildering artists, we can’t avoid talking about Grimes, whose apocalyptic pop music is in and of itself a little dizzying, but who became a universal embodiment of lawful evil when she removed “anarchist” from her Twitter bio, moments after she started dating the richest person in the world.

NEUTRAL EVIL: French fry pizza

Chad Kroeger

This doesn’t really require an explanation, does it?

Bryan Adams & Shania Twain

This one’s hard. Bryan Adams and Shania Twain are behind some of the most memorable Canadian hits of all time, and our road trips just wouldn’t be the same without such quintessential gems as “Summer of ‘69” or “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” Unfortunately, they’re also behind some of the most controversial comments to come out of Canada in recent years… which they eventually apologized for. So where does that leave us? Neutral evil seems about right. Just like the French fry pizza, they’re hard to resist, but ultimately wrong.

CHAOTIC EVIL: Hawaiian pizza

Justin Bieber

Speaking of controversial comments and celebrity apologies… Justin Bieber, prince of pop, is getting the keys to the kingdom of chaotic evil. Which isn’t to say he’s a bad person! Love him or hate him, you have to admit there simply hasn’t been a more polarizing figure in modern Canadian culture. He’s as contentious a conversation starter as… you guessed it, Hawaiian pizza. Plus, Justin’s been known to wear some pretty bold Hawaiian shirts. There’s only one thing left to figure out… How does the Biebs feel about pineapple on his pizza?

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